Saturday, October 22, 2005

Tagged! Revisiting the French Wine Boycott

Maggie over at The Wine Offensive (Have you not checked this site out yet? For real--try to keep up, man) has tagged me thusly:

Go to your 23rd post, reprint your 5th sentence, and expound. Forward to 5 other people.

My 23rd post is a little diddy called D'accord, nous n'allons vous montrer aucun vin francais!
which is one of my favorites because the title makes me look like I speak French. Which I don't. But you don't have to know that.

Dans une coquille de noix, this post tells the story of a couple who came in looking for a wine, and were chagrined to find out the one I chose was French. The fifth sentence reads almost like a punch line:

She was convinced it was just the thing, and had it in her hand, when her husband came over and said, "Yeah, uh, can we maybe find something similar from another country?"

And so I expound:

To answer your question, sir: no, you can't find something similar to this charming French bottle from another country. I picked it for your wife, who had no problem with it whatsoever until you called her out in front of me, calling into question her very patriotism for wanting to drink wine from France.

This leads naturally into another topic: the interaction of couples when choosing a wine. Even moreso than the restaurant/bar biz, where a couple is at least trying to have a good time, a store is a place where the marrieds let it all hang out. After all, this is their everyday lives--they've stopped by the store to pick up organic avacados, chemical-free chicken breast and free-range diapers, and a bottle of wine--and are now on their way to pick up the kids from soccer practice. For many, there's no attempt to be discreet about either their lust or their near-explosive contempt for one another, and it astounds me on a daily basis how people have lost their sense of decorum in public.

Here's a few of my favorite examples:

1) Spouse on cell phone with spouse, trying to remember name of wine.
This one is common, and I'm often handed the phone to speak to the person who at least remembers what color the label is. Fine. But one of the most brutal exchanges I'd ever been blessed to overhear goes like this: A woman came in, very friendly to me, with the "I can't remember the name" thing, and decided to call her husband to ask. She got on the phone and proceeded to rip her hubby a new asshole over something unrelated, shouting insults and accusations, all while standing a couple of feet away from me. I walked off.

2) Unholy Henpecking Bitch
Yes, lady, you have two rug rats throwing a fit in your cart, and your husband is well aware you're all on a precise time schedule. But for fuck's sake, let the man browse the beer for two minutes! God knows it's probably the only moment of respite in his day, from the looks of things. He just wants half a sec to reminisce about the good ol' days when he could have a beer or two if he wanted, without your written permission in triplicate. In addition, if I'm standing three aisles away and I can hear your admonishing, you are a loud-ass bitch. Shut UP!

3) Husband Ridicules Wife
"Hell, Martha, half the labels in the store's got animals on them! If you can't remember what you like, maybe you need to lay off the sauce anyway." Then the guy looks at me and winks, as though I'm in on the knowledge that his wife's an idiot. Dude. You feel like a man, making your wife to feel low? No wonder she's addicted to Chardonnay and Haagen Daas--she's trying to get through her marriage to your sorry ass. For the kids, too, no doubt.

4) The Ass Grabbers
New Rule: No, wait, this is an old rule. Do Not Squeeze Your Wife's/Husband's/Girlfriend's/Boyfriends Ass In Front Of Other People. It's rude to them and rude to everyone else. Please learn some social skills.

These are but four of the many couple clashes I see daily, and it makes me want to stop these people and ask: do you think you guys are alone in here? Or, are you thinking "it's none of anyone's business"? The latter is correct: it is none of our business, and we like it that way. No one here wants to see your version of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf played out in the beer cooler. So please, no matter how much you despise/are dying to mount your significant other, please express it at home.

Here are my tags:

Mascorrolandia. Miss Gini Goddamn is as talented a commentator as they come, from politics to obscure pop icons. Check her out.

Japan-0-Matic For the Kanji lover in you.

s'kat and the food Her posts about Sunday Mediterranean style brunches on the back porch with her man make me sigh. Nice food and feline photos, too.

TexSquid Alright, dude--get to posting! It's been a month.

swirl sniff taste
--A wine blog with, you know, knowledge and opinions, and stuff. Very cool.

I've never tagged anyone before, so if I've breached etiquette, lemme know.



Blogger s'kat said...

Ack- I've already been tagged!! The post can be found here

I'm sure there must be somebody out there who hasn't been tagged yet, right? Anyone?

Great posting- I can only imagine the variety of people that come wandering through the door on a daily basis. Some of them must be absolutely insufferable.

1:56 PM  
Blogger jens at cincinnati wine said...

Number three is a hoot. If you ever land in Cincinnati and need a job in wine retail, call me. Hell, you can run the place!

jens at cincinnati wine garage

6:25 PM  
Anonymous ELK RIDER said...

Great insight. Fascinating wine blog.

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